Man Up!
Father Abraham bore unto us a dead Jesus. (I just wanted to say that again, cause it’s fun. Go ahead, try it.) But she presented a quandary, because, as I believe in no God, I couldn’t really put much weight behind theory that the Holy Ghost was responsible for impregnating my heifer. And as of yet, no human-bovine cross has been carried to term, so I can hardly ask that the local wandering minstrels be held in custody.
The first thought was that we had a bull in among the herd, one that somehow slipped his nut free of his circumcising band, all Houdiniesque. The next day I had the herd run by me as single file as I could manage. The steers have a tuft of hair in the center of their stomach, whereas the heifers have a more smooth lump. The heifers have tiny little udders and the steers are strangely smooth and void where their testicles should be all a-dangle. And then there was one steer who didn’t have an obvious package, but was sporting more equipment than I found necessary. Ah ha! It was Chuck. Chuck was my bull survivor who may have compromised as many as 40 heifers. I could almost taste him then. Delicious chuck of Chuck.
But I did the math in my head; Chuck was the same age as Father Abraham. Nine months ago, while Father should have been too young to be fertile, there was absolutely no way that Chuck was virile at five months of age. This was not Jesus’ father.
He still needed taken out of the herd. And have his manhood taken. Again. Rusty and I managed to get him separated. Called a neighbor with more experience than I have (absolutely none) with circumcision. I held up Chuck’s tail while Mark checked to see if there was enough dangle to allow us to band his remaining nut. There wasn’t. The vet had told me that that if that were the case I could take a razor and slit the sack, pull out the nut and cut it off. Mark warned me that it would bleed in a way I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with. I wasn’t. The vet will be out next week to do the deed. It takes more than a man than I yet am to take someone else’s manhood so brutally. I think I’m ok with that.
Doing the math again at a later date, we decided that Father Abraham was bred by Franz or Ferdinand, the breeding herd bulls. She was still with her mother and the bulls until late October. So hopefully she’s just a freak of nature who matured too fast and was lucky to not be crushed under the massive weight of the bull.
Having my heifers preggo is bad. Everyone wants to know why having a bull in among the girls is a bad thing. So here you go.
1- They are beef. I can not send a pregnant cow in to be slaughtered. That’s a wee bit inhumane. Half of them, while being physically of an age where they are in heat, they are not big enough to pass a calf without help. Just think about the girls who get their periods at ages 10, 11, 12. Yeah. First time births usually need help without that added bonus.
2 - If they were impregnated by Chuck, it was within the last couple months. So the calves would be born in November, December, and January. It’s cold then. I will have enough food for everyone, but not enough for everyone plus their calves.
3 - Pregnant heifers eat to provide growth and sustenance for their baby, they stop growing. The point of calves is simply that, to grow.
The first thought was that we had a bull in among the herd, one that somehow slipped his nut free of his circumcising band, all Houdiniesque. The next day I had the herd run by me as single file as I could manage. The steers have a tuft of hair in the center of their stomach, whereas the heifers have a more smooth lump. The heifers have tiny little udders and the steers are strangely smooth and void where their testicles should be all a-dangle. And then there was one steer who didn’t have an obvious package, but was sporting more equipment than I found necessary. Ah ha! It was Chuck. Chuck was my bull survivor who may have compromised as many as 40 heifers. I could almost taste him then. Delicious chuck of Chuck.
But I did the math in my head; Chuck was the same age as Father Abraham. Nine months ago, while Father should have been too young to be fertile, there was absolutely no way that Chuck was virile at five months of age. This was not Jesus’ father.
He still needed taken out of the herd. And have his manhood taken. Again. Rusty and I managed to get him separated. Called a neighbor with more experience than I have (absolutely none) with circumcision. I held up Chuck’s tail while Mark checked to see if there was enough dangle to allow us to band his remaining nut. There wasn’t. The vet had told me that that if that were the case I could take a razor and slit the sack, pull out the nut and cut it off. Mark warned me that it would bleed in a way I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with. I wasn’t. The vet will be out next week to do the deed. It takes more than a man than I yet am to take someone else’s manhood so brutally. I think I’m ok with that.
Doing the math again at a later date, we decided that Father Abraham was bred by Franz or Ferdinand, the breeding herd bulls. She was still with her mother and the bulls until late October. So hopefully she’s just a freak of nature who matured too fast and was lucky to not be crushed under the massive weight of the bull.
Having my heifers preggo is bad. Everyone wants to know why having a bull in among the girls is a bad thing. So here you go.
1- They are beef. I can not send a pregnant cow in to be slaughtered. That’s a wee bit inhumane. Half of them, while being physically of an age where they are in heat, they are not big enough to pass a calf without help. Just think about the girls who get their periods at ages 10, 11, 12. Yeah. First time births usually need help without that added bonus.
2 - If they were impregnated by Chuck, it was within the last couple months. So the calves would be born in November, December, and January. It’s cold then. I will have enough food for everyone, but not enough for everyone plus their calves.
3 - Pregnant heifers eat to provide growth and sustenance for their baby, they stop growing. The point of calves is simply that, to grow.
posted by Lord of the Barnyard at 3:54 PM
1 Comments:
This whole thing really bothers me. Its like an episode of law and order svu....farm style. Creepy kidtoucher bulls.
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